Dear Marcie,

Should spouses know each other's passwords to email address, Facebook, etc.? What's your take on this?


Dear Snoopy,

We all know that curiosity killed the cat. But mistrust can kill the marriage. Sure at some point we've all caught a bit of the fever, wondering just what our significant other could be spending so much time online or on Facebook talking to his friends about, while his interaction at home is limited to congenial platitudes. You may ask yourself, "What if I had full access? What would I find?" Probably not much, unless you're an aficionado of fantasy football and other such tantalizing topics. The deeper question is, why would your spouse want access to your daily private communications unless they suspected something more than exchanges between friends about where the next great sale will be? Yes Snoopy, Woodstock isn't trying to join your fashion chat, he thinks you're up to something far more sinister.

If the issue is, in fact, trust, you've got bigger problems than a nosey spouse who doesn't have enough hobbies of his own. Recommendation: be direct with your spouse. Ask him what he expects to find or why he's interested and take it from there. It may just be a case of poor communication or a lack of attention. Back to nosey or just overly controlling - married or NOT, privacy is privacy. Each member of a "couple" has a RIGHT to his or her own opinions, interests and PRIVACY. The respect that is so critical to a successful marriage applies to interests, identity, and the space and freedom to grow and develop. A wonderful poet and philosopher once said, "Stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow."

The bottom line: falling all over each other every waking's draining, strips all sense of identity, and leaves you with nothing to bring into the relationship. Unwind Snoopy. Be yourself and explore your interests. And then share and contribute to your marriage without your spouse already knowing what you've got to say because he's taken over your identity. Let the curiosity remain just that...curiosity. In the meantime you'll be saving your sense of self and perhaps your marriage, while sparing the kitty's life.

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