While the weather may have four seasons, here in the Valley, conversation about the weather has two: when the Winter Texans start to show up, and when hurricane season starts. Arriving Winter Texans love to tell us how bad the weather was in Minnesota, Ohio, Michigan, or wherever it is they drove away from as quickly as they could to get here.
“The snow was so deep I didn’t see my next door neighbor for three weeks.”
“The dog froze to death while trying to pee on the fire hydrant.”
“I still can’t feel my toes.”
Those of us who live here year round discuss hurricane season the same way we’d talk about the roller coaster while waiting in line at Six Flags. You know, the one named “The Hurricane.”
“Is it really that scary?”
“I wasn’t scared last time.”
“I’m not sure I want to ride this after all.”
As the saying goes, “Everyone complains about the weather, but no one does anything about it.”
Rumors have started to circulate, however, about a new bill being introduced in the recently sworn in 112th Congress: The Weather Intervention and Regulation Act, otherwise known as House Bill Fahrenheit 451. (The temperature at which the Constitution starts to burn.)
Of course, the first order of business is to abolish our current weather patterns, something freshmen congressmen have already started referring to as Obamaweather. Consequently, House Bill Celsius Negative 451. (The temperature at which Hell freezes over.) Never willing to leave well enough alone, several amendments have been added, including a $30 million earmark for a feasibility study on the eradication of fall leaves. (Pork is the next white meat.)
While the Weather Regulation Bill has bipartisan support, it also has strong opposition. Tea Party faithfuls oppose government regulation of the weather on Constitutional grounds. “Weather is a state issue,” says Sunny View Trailer Park Tea Party Co-co-co-chairmen Evelyn Screwloose. “Let each state regulate its weather as it sees fit without Federal intervention.” Representatives on both sides of the aisle from states such as California and Florida (which already have good weather), have created a solid States’ Rights voting block to oppose the bill. Some Republicans find themselves uncomfortably aligned with Obama, who it is rumored, intends to appoint a weather czar in order to sidetrack the bill before it can be voted on. Several Democrats have questioned putting the weather in the hands of one person, citing X-Men #56 “Storm Loses Her Cool.” Apparently, weather makes strange bedfellows.
The liberal, fair-weather wing of Obama’s own party have come out opposing the bill. They complain that a weather bill violates the separation of church and state. Looking rather sheepish, No Weather in Schools spokesperson, Madelyn Murray Nocara, quoted the Rev. Bill Sunday: “Weather is our Tower of Babble. Don’t be surprised if passage is followed by a flood.” Said Nocara, “If God, who I don’t believe in, created the weather, then weather is a form of religion, and has no place in government.” In a recent appearance on FOX, Nocara, standing next to Sunday, asked, “If we place one weather above another, whose weather will that be? As a nation, we cannot make any weather an official state weather.”
Yet another coalition, the Militiamen for Real American Weather, has come out in opposition to the bill. (They originally wanted to call themselves the Weather Underground; but someone pointed out that it had already been used.) The Militia insists that the problem isn’t with American weather, but with cheap imported weather putting American weather out of work. In addition, the Militia complained about the unrestrained entry of weather across our national borders. “What we really need,” says Militia spokesman Larry the White Guy, “is to close our borders to illegal weather. And then deport the illegal weather that’s already here.” When asked how to tell illegal from legal weather, Larry replied, “It just looks different.”
While the Weather Regulation Bill has created a firestorm (a kind of weather only found in D.C.), there is little likelihood for passage in this session. Congress, like the rest of us, would rather talk about the weather than do anything about it. They may see that as a win-win situation. In a tight budget, there’s no telling how much weather regulation would cost, though sponsors say it would pay for itself. However, if they don’t do anything, they can blame each other for the bad weather that follows. Even though it’s the rest of us who get rained on.