Dear Marcie,

I have this nut lady that has her dogs use my lawn as a bathroom.

First time I caught her I asked nicely to not take the dogs on my lawn. She thinks they have the right to go anywhere they want. I explained that my lawn isn't a park. How about you use your own front lawn? She acted like I was nuts.

It is killing the lawn. I water sparely. I have asked four times now. Today I said keep your dogs off my lawn. Her response was [expletive] You. I walked towards her and her dogs to shoo them off the lawn. Yes, she walks right on the lawn with them. The dog tried to attack me. I know calling the cops is a waste of time they have more important things to do. Should I put the garden hose to her?

Any sane ideas?


Dearest  Sane,

Sane idea No. 1:  Put down the water hose! Many senseless acts described in the news actually arise from owners not properly caring for their pooches.  As you stated, you have repeatedly spoken to the owner and there seems to be a lack of regard for your property.  Your neighbor disrespects your wishes, thereby forcing you to take some action. 

Sane idea No. 2: Step back, breathe, and gather your thoughts. Don’t do anything that would allow your neighbor to paint you as some deranged lunatic, or that would get you into the local headlines. Instead I suggest you rise above and take the high road. 

If Fido continues using your lawn as his place of business, then hatch a plan.  Borderline sane idea: Watch and wait… carefully collect all of Fido’s droppings into a sanitary plastic bag and deliver the property to the rightful owner while explaining that your lawn doesn’t need any more fertilizer.  This more-rational-than-the-hose approach is probably far tamer than what is expected by your neighbor, who is surely trying to get you to blow your lid.

If your ever-so-pleasant neighbor doesn’t take the hint, remember that she is trespassing any time she crosses your property line.   Patiently record the days of pup and neighbor’s violations, snap some photos and contact your local police department.  They are there for you and to help keep the peace.  I’m sure once the authorities pay a visit, pooch will move on.

P. S.  You expressed concern that Fido’s use of your lawn as a public toilet is killing your grass.  A bit of knowledge:  What causes your grass to wither and/or die is the Ph combined with the level of nitrogen in the dog’s urine.   The solution is as easy as saturating the area immediately after the dog’s urine comes in contact with your yard.  That’s right, spray your yard and not your neighbor to eliminate burning or damage to a particular area.  Citizens be forewarned: We have a NUT LADY ON THE LOOSE! No yard is safe. Hoses down.